Saturday turned out to be

a kind of "lost day". Ron and I both got Extremely agitated Friday night and neither of us was able to sleep much. Ron spoke to "Roberta" on the phone and let her know I was Not coming in to work 'one last shift at Fakewood'. It really worries me that now they are sending me to what sounds like it is going to be Another stressful library and I begin to fear I am going to just totally lose control or end up having to retire on disability. And the main problem with that last bit is that since I have not earned much money in the last 10 quarters my disability income would not be even what I have been making at the library. What I am Hoping to do is to sign up for good short term and long term disability insurance at this year's open enrollment and then plan on going out on diability Next year when the coverage is in effect and would hopefully pay me additional disability income as well as my low social security benefit.

But Ron told me that he read my hip x-rays right along with the orthopod last week and that the x-rays clearly show Very Severe arthritis. He said when I showed the doctor how I had to get down on the floor to shelve on the bottom shelves, the man was "Shocked and Amazed" that I was able to move so well with almost NO cartilage in either hip joint. I feel sure that I could get disability for both my hips and my mental illnesses, but it would not bring in enough for us to be able to pay our bills. and honestly we are struggling and are not Really able to pay our bills as it is now. So, Ron and I have agreed that I will try very hard to begin developing an income as a free lance writer so that by the time I just physically Can't do the library job anymore we will have a real and sustainable income to live on.

I have wanted to be a free lance writer pretty much all of my life and I have to say that I feel a real thrill about having sold my writing last week (even though it was only $25) in that now I really Am a freelancer. And I am learning how to bid for jobs and making the contacts I will need in this career. I am scared, but hopeful. Staci is back in town doing more work over at Kathi's. I have been really happy to see her a few times and hope to get to spend some time with her while she is here this trip. Anyone know of any writing gigs? If you do, please give me a holler.

the hardest parts

In my considered opinion one of the most difficult issues that mentally ill people face is getting everyone from their employers to their families to take their illness and their needs seriously without becoming afraid to have the mentally ill individual around.

I am crazy but I am also by many respects and criteria an excellent employee. Right now I feel as though I am just barely hanging on to my ability to control my emotions and keep on an even keel. The place that I need to keep to so that I can go to work and smile and do my job every day. Where I have earned satisfactory and excellent performance appraisals and been genuinely committed to the library's mission of bringing "information and imagination" to the people of the county we serve. In my heart I know that if i do as my mom advices and "just go back to work and keep your chin up and do the damned job" I will end up cycling uncontrollably between psychotic screaming rages, very tearful desperation and despair an completely calm in control and capable of taking notes and deciding what's going to have to happen next.

I need for the people in my life to understand that I work hard every day of my life dealing with my various mental illnesses. And when I tell you that my stress has reached a critical level, I need for the people around me to appreciate that I often know better than anyone else just what exactly is going on in my head. As I tried to explain to my mom (whom I know loves me despite my illness and honestly wants what is best for me) it is not just that I have major depression Or panic anxiety syndrome Or agoraphobia Or social phobia Or OR OR! I have major despression And panic anxiety disorder And agoraphobia And social phobia andAnd and AND AND AND! They all in their ways feed into and affect each other. Please hear me when I try desperately to tell you that I really am sick and I really do need your help, understanding and accommodation of my disability. But I'm really not at all dangerous to have around and if you make room for me, I have a lot to contribute.

Alan (has been asking serious and specific questions about local mental health facilities cuz it's beginning to seem like they're going to push me til I completely lose it and end up in Western State. I would so rather be allowed to stay home. I don't know what's going to happen and that scares the shit out of me).