just another nervous wreck now

They'll run for cover
When they discover
Everyone's a nervous wreck now

--Supertramp Just Another Nervous Wreck
on the album Breakfast In America

One of the things that helps me most when I am in crisis and spending my days at home trying to hold off my anxiety is music. I've bought a few songs from iTunes and imported a number of CD's I brought home from the lib into my iTunes. And sometimes I really enjoy listening to radio on Pandora, though that is kind of hit and miss in my experiences. Some days that site plays only songs I absolutely love and other days it's like it just doesn't know me.

The doctor warned me that my new anxiety pills would probably make me sleep a lot and boy was she right. Last night I believe I slept 12--14 hours and that was on top of the 15 and a half hour nap the night before. But my sleep had been so disturbed the past two weeks or so as the pressure and stress level continued to build at work. The thing is the rage, panic, crying and babbling that are the symptoms of my 'out breaks' are actually there in me All the time. I've learned over Years of experience dealing with myself that the key to living normally in the world is to continually not let them get started. It's like a semi automatic reflex. I've learned that I can not control what the world will throw in my path but I CAN control how I react to it. And a lot of the times that works.

I used to have horrible rages in traffic and feel extreme and irrational anger towards drivers who did something like cut me off or followed too close or whatever. Now, though I mostly just drive slow in the right lane, never worry about who is passing me and when another driver behaves badly I just say to my passenger or to myself 'what an asshole. did you see what he just did' all the while continuing to drive safely and keep my mind in an "everythings ok, no need to panic" mode. I've been able to apply similar coping strategies to most areas of my life. With my hearing impairment I don't like loud parties or large gatherings but here in cyberspace I am jovial, outgoing and sociable and am genuinely amazed at how many people I've met online who remain good friends and ever ready to lend a helping hand. Honestly, in spite of my multiple handicaps, I know I have truly been blessed in this life by the love and kindness of my family and all of my friends.

Part of me feels guilty because except for it being Too Damn Hot, I am mostly just enjoying my sick leave from my nervous breakdown, though Ron could tell you that if I let myself start thinking about what I need to do next like request some ADA accomodations from PCLS so that I can go back to work and apply for social security which i'm told will allow me to continue working for the lib, where I can earn up to my monthly benefit amount. It will ultimately mean working fewer hours and having a higher net take home pay. My mom and several of my friends are really pushing me to apply for disability. I also have to decide whether I wish to pursue a Worker's Comp case.....in my mind the fact that the raised stress levels (which everyone at the library is feeling and which the branch supervisor readily acknowledges) contributed to my breakdown which was directly percipitated by my supervisors really poor handling of telling me about the new "standards".

When I can listen to the music and not think about what I need to do, my nervous breakdown honestly feels like vacation. But I have a lot of decisions to make and have to decide what I am going to ask for and how I'm going to approach it when I go back to work Friday morning.

notes from the nervous breakdown day 2

If you are uncomfortable with frank talk about mental illness, stay away from this blog while I am having my nervous breakdown and trying to share it with you. All are welcome to read but this is really and truly Very personal. All names have been changed to protect me.

I got to sleep around 11pm Friday night and slept clear through til 2:20 pm Saturday. It was exactly what I had most needed and I woke up feeling store and stiff from being in bed so long but emotionally feeling much Much better. Yesterday I began making plans for dealing with this situation.

I went over to work where my boss' boss, a really nice lady named Karen was the manager on duty and gave to her a copy or my medical excuse form letter as well as the "After Visit Summary" form that details diagnosis, treatment plan, follow up plans, etc. Karen could not possibly have been nicer or more pleasant. She completely agrees with me that the library system has become an impossible stress hole, that the new standards are almost certainly impossible for our 40--50 year old page staff, who were hired not because we can move materials especially fast but because we are literate, eloquent, well read and care deeply both about books and the public library's service mission. She really could not possibly have been any nicer to me, and I am very grateful for this.

Based on advice given to me by two friends who well know what they are talking about on Monday I am going to go to the social security office and apply for SSDI/SSI. Because my last ten quarters have been worked for the library part time for low wages my benefit check each month will be only $480--$575. BUT I can continue to work for the library part time and earn as much as my benefit amount. The net result if I get approved for SSDI and can keep a part time, fewer hours position at the library will be that my monthly take home will Increase while I will work significantly fewer hours.

The only times at work in the past month or two when I have not come home stressed out and drained, were when I substituted at a small branch library. (The library where I work is the largest and busiest in the system) Working at the small branch, even though it was so busy is just a LOT less stressful. So when I return to work on Friday I am going to request an ADA accommodation in the form of a transfer to one of three small libraries where I have worked before, like the supervisors and feel positive I would be happier, even though I will make less money and have a longer commute.

Meanwhile, Ron has agreed to take over the Libdrone blog for a while and has gotten a bunch of books of his choosing from the library and hopes to begin posting next week. Me, I just hope to survive next week and make it through to Friday and get them agree that transferring me is the best alternative for all concerned. Please keep the thoughts and prayers coming. I greatly appreciate them.

I am planning also on my week off to read, re-read and print out a copy of the American With Disabilites Act and bring that with me when I return to work on Friday and request this accommodation. I am hoping that library management will be co-operative and helpful with this and that my transition to disability can go smoothly. I just feel so much relief at not having to be at work getting all stressed out today and am trying to feel hopeful that going on disability may make my day to day life better instead of worse.