just another nervous wreck now

They'll run for cover
When they discover
Everyone's a nervous wreck now

--Supertramp Just Another Nervous Wreck
on the album Breakfast In America

One of the things that helps me most when I am in crisis and spending my days at home trying to hold off my anxiety is music. I've bought a few songs from iTunes and imported a number of CD's I brought home from the lib into my iTunes. And sometimes I really enjoy listening to radio on Pandora, though that is kind of hit and miss in my experiences. Some days that site plays only songs I absolutely love and other days it's like it just doesn't know me.

The doctor warned me that my new anxiety pills would probably make me sleep a lot and boy was she right. Last night I believe I slept 12--14 hours and that was on top of the 15 and a half hour nap the night before. But my sleep had been so disturbed the past two weeks or so as the pressure and stress level continued to build at work. The thing is the rage, panic, crying and babbling that are the symptoms of my 'out breaks' are actually there in me All the time. I've learned over Years of experience dealing with myself that the key to living normally in the world is to continually not let them get started. It's like a semi automatic reflex. I've learned that I can not control what the world will throw in my path but I CAN control how I react to it. And a lot of the times that works.

I used to have horrible rages in traffic and feel extreme and irrational anger towards drivers who did something like cut me off or followed too close or whatever. Now, though I mostly just drive slow in the right lane, never worry about who is passing me and when another driver behaves badly I just say to my passenger or to myself 'what an asshole. did you see what he just did' all the while continuing to drive safely and keep my mind in an "everythings ok, no need to panic" mode. I've been able to apply similar coping strategies to most areas of my life. With my hearing impairment I don't like loud parties or large gatherings but here in cyberspace I am jovial, outgoing and sociable and am genuinely amazed at how many people I've met online who remain good friends and ever ready to lend a helping hand. Honestly, in spite of my multiple handicaps, I know I have truly been blessed in this life by the love and kindness of my family and all of my friends.

Part of me feels guilty because except for it being Too Damn Hot, I am mostly just enjoying my sick leave from my nervous breakdown, though Ron could tell you that if I let myself start thinking about what I need to do next like request some ADA accomodations from PCLS so that I can go back to work and apply for social security which i'm told will allow me to continue working for the lib, where I can earn up to my monthly benefit amount. It will ultimately mean working fewer hours and having a higher net take home pay. My mom and several of my friends are really pushing me to apply for disability. I also have to decide whether I wish to pursue a Worker's Comp case.....in my mind the fact that the raised stress levels (which everyone at the library is feeling and which the branch supervisor readily acknowledges) contributed to my breakdown which was directly percipitated by my supervisors really poor handling of telling me about the new "standards".

When I can listen to the music and not think about what I need to do, my nervous breakdown honestly feels like vacation. But I have a lot of decisions to make and have to decide what I am going to ask for and how I'm going to approach it when I go back to work Friday morning.

notes from the nervous breakdown day 2

If you are uncomfortable with frank talk about mental illness, stay away from this blog while I am having my nervous breakdown and trying to share it with you. All are welcome to read but this is really and truly Very personal. All names have been changed to protect me.

I got to sleep around 11pm Friday night and slept clear through til 2:20 pm Saturday. It was exactly what I had most needed and I woke up feeling store and stiff from being in bed so long but emotionally feeling much Much better. Yesterday I began making plans for dealing with this situation.

I went over to work where my boss' boss, a really nice lady named Karen was the manager on duty and gave to her a copy or my medical excuse form letter as well as the "After Visit Summary" form that details diagnosis, treatment plan, follow up plans, etc. Karen could not possibly have been nicer or more pleasant. She completely agrees with me that the library system has become an impossible stress hole, that the new standards are almost certainly impossible for our 40--50 year old page staff, who were hired not because we can move materials especially fast but because we are literate, eloquent, well read and care deeply both about books and the public library's service mission. She really could not possibly have been any nicer to me, and I am very grateful for this.

Based on advice given to me by two friends who well know what they are talking about on Monday I am going to go to the social security office and apply for SSDI/SSI. Because my last ten quarters have been worked for the library part time for low wages my benefit check each month will be only $480--$575. BUT I can continue to work for the library part time and earn as much as my benefit amount. The net result if I get approved for SSDI and can keep a part time, fewer hours position at the library will be that my monthly take home will Increase while I will work significantly fewer hours.

The only times at work in the past month or two when I have not come home stressed out and drained, were when I substituted at a small branch library. (The library where I work is the largest and busiest in the system) Working at the small branch, even though it was so busy is just a LOT less stressful. So when I return to work on Friday I am going to request an ADA accommodation in the form of a transfer to one of three small libraries where I have worked before, like the supervisors and feel positive I would be happier, even though I will make less money and have a longer commute.

Meanwhile, Ron has agreed to take over the Libdrone blog for a while and has gotten a bunch of books of his choosing from the library and hopes to begin posting next week. Me, I just hope to survive next week and make it through to Friday and get them agree that transferring me is the best alternative for all concerned. Please keep the thoughts and prayers coming. I greatly appreciate them.

I am planning also on my week off to read, re-read and print out a copy of the American With Disabilites Act and bring that with me when I return to work on Friday and request this accommodation. I am hoping that library management will be co-operative and helpful with this and that my transition to disability can go smoothly. I just feel so much relief at not having to be at work getting all stressed out today and am trying to feel hopeful that going on disability may make my day to day life better instead of worse.

notes from the nervous breakdown day 1

If you are uncomfortable with frank talk about mental illness, stay away from this blog while I am having my nervous breakdown and trying to share it with you. All are welcome to read but this is really and truly Very personal. All names have been changed to protect me.

Thursday afternoon I went in to work and by Friday morning the one hour meeting I had with my supervisor, Roberta, had me to the point of what both my psychiatrist and my huzband (who has 20 years of work experience as an RN) both agreed was-- right on the verge of a "nervous breakdown". I am like constantly on the border of hysteria and my mood cycle swings (often Quite rapidly) between talking wildly and in circles and crying in deep despair.

My psychiatrist, Dr. Young gave me a new medicine that got me calmed down and let me get a good, long nights sleep and also wrote a medical excuse that gets me out of work until Fri 7/31. with good pills, good herb I am staying mellow. My illness has been very hard on my poor sweet Ron. I'm in a state where I am constantly on the verge of having a Horrible panic-anxiety attack. I truly hate having them. They are excruciating for Ron to watch and the fact is that I get by in this life by keeping a lid on all of my panic and anxiety. (I have been diagnosed with at least seven different serious and debilitating mental illnesses.)

Since old Ronny Raygun's old theory of "trickle down economics" is finally coming true for me. For the first time. The Library System is funded by property tax. Foreclosures, people not paying and a sudden halt to much new construction and the LS has a half million dollar budget shortfall staring them in the face. This is my first experience working for government rather than business. Any private company that realized on march 1st they were half a mil short would have sent out pink slips til they were back on budget. That didn't happen. They announced instead that we would be using Very few substitues from now on. Now whenever someone is sick or on vacation or otherwise absent, we pretty much have to just do without.

Would you be surprised to learn that the Branch Library where I work, where I specifically chose to work because it was such an easy, fun and no stress way to earn a little bit of money to get by on. Since the substitute announcement, my library has gone from easy, no stress to a treadmill of ever increasing productivity demands where in front line workder are being told that keeping their job depends on moving materials at a rate that most of us are not capable of physically possibly acheiving. Work under the new standars my boss told me they were implementing my severely arthritic hips were Screaming in pain and my anxiety level was truly Dangerous.

And when I called in sick the following morning, having been completely unable to sleep and literally on the verge of hysteria , actually making the call myself (ron usually handles the phone since my hearing is so bad) she was clearly Ticked off with me for calling and Warned me that I would need a doctor's excuse and that my calling in was starting to become a "pattern". (I didn't realy hear all this; Ron was listening on the speakerphone and explained to me in detail Exactly what she said and her tone and connotations. I has been so focused on making sure she understoond I was absent because I was sick and let her know that I would definitely get a doctor's note.

I spent the day panicking while we first e-mailed (which required going to my friend Kathi's, who cheerfully allowed me to use her excellent broadband desktop) then Ron spent hours on the phone trying to get me in to see Any psychiatrist who had a slot available. my former shrink, whom I liked a lot accepted and who left the Tacoma practice a couple of months after getting a slot in the Seattle office which she says she likes much better. One of Ron's phone calls was to her and she could not have been more helpful. She told Ron exactly who to call and what to say, and then I had a 4pm appt with Dr. Park, who gave me pills and wrote me an absence excuse form that will allow me to stay home from work til Friday 7/31. It was my first time seeing her but I was very impressed and walked out of her office feeling relieved and almost overjoyed.

The saga will continue next time I have time to add another day's notes.

life as a webmaster

continues to be.....interesting. Flash Light Worth Books is a web site that is not really a direct competitor to Libdrone. They provide a LOT of recommended book LISTS. Working at the library, I tend to think of lists as dime a dozen. (At the lib of course we have TONS of completely free lists of recommendations of books for all ages and subject matters, fiction and non-fiction. I'm not especially impressed by lists.)

Well to each his own. Or not as it happens. this FLW books site asks Every visitor to take the "34 second pledge" which as it turns out is "I will make all of my Amazon purchases on FLW's affiliate link in order to support the site". As a competing web site in the same books sphere who also is seeking affiliate sales from my own loyal readers, and will be asking folks who Really like the site and the reviews to buy just one in ten of the BOOK purchases from Amazon through me. I am writing great reviews and producing great content and I am asking my readers to give me one in ten of their Book purchases. And this asshole sees nothing wrong with asking them to PLEDGE that they will give him a commission on EVERYTHING they ever buy to COMPLETE EXCLUSION of every _other_ site on the web that also recommends products in their area, as well as all the many, many , many different product lines and departments Amazon carries.

For making lists like the library gives away for free this guy thinks he deserves a commmission on EVERYTHING you EVER buy from Amazon. Is it just me, or does this strike you as pure greed and sleaze. I belive that diversity is the strength of the book promotion web publishing hobby/business. I also believe that any ONE book web publisher who attempts to get his readers to pledge that they will give All their Amazon business only to him is a HUGE threat to this diversity. It only remains to be seen whether I can persuade my competitor to sit down and talk with me and hear my concerns and come to amiacable agreement we both can live with OR if he will irk me enough that I spend all of year' three's editorial and marketing budget to make him as Unpopular as I possibly can among the book people.

Honestly, I don't want to trash this guy, and I really do hope I can persuade him that we ALL in the book promotion biz need the chance to feed equally at the altar of Amazon. If I can't make him see that, I'll just have to make the publishing and book promotion communities see it my way.

Alan (is waiting to see if the guy responds to my request for an email pow wow or if I will be e-mailing my friends in public relations for advise)

Dinosaurs stumbling badly into new media

As the publisher of a book review web site that is now entering it's third year, with it's third major re-themeing and having acheived a level of success, in terms of visitors, page views, ad revenues, Alexa ranking and Google Page Rank, I have become used to corresponding via e-mail with other web entrepreneurs and to working with other web publishers as well as with traditional book publishers and their publicity departments.

Sometimes an unsolicited approach can lead to a very mutually rewarding co-operation. And in my humble opinion, being successful on the web is all about building relationships. Relationships wiith other web publishers, with the source people in the field your web site covers and with your readers and audience. I have made tons of friends in online forums and through e-mail corresponce with strangers who responded to my web site. I am lucky that my spam filters mostly filter out the real junk. But this past week I had an un-solicited e-mail from a company (that apparently has "professional" level funding and PR. The PR agent (let's call her "Karen") wrote to tell me that she had "found my site" and thought that I "might want to share" with my readers the exciting news that HER COMPANY was introducing a new book promotion portal site. And surely I would love to give them some free publicity on my site. This was my reply to "Karen"

Hi Karen,

I checked out your site. I can't quite figure out whether you are very naive on how to approach and make deals with other web publishers or if you assume every site you find out there is a fan site that will be happy to promote your brand new un-ranked web site for free. It appears to me that what your firm is trying is a lot like Library Thing and Shelfari but you are trying to make it pay by having authors and/or their publishers pay for the privilege of being listed in your directory. Who knows, enough authors may take you up on it for you to make it a viable business, but honestly there is a Ton of competition in book promotion web sites and all of those sites (including yours and mine) are trying to reach the same Internet audience. (Do you even know what an Alexa rating is? Or Google Page Rank? Here's a hint, as of today mine are Much better than yours.)

My site is a Book Review site. Occasionally I make things a little bit more personal but mostly it is just all book reviews. I am in the process of opening my own online store to sell the books that I write about. I have never written about Library Thing or Shelfari, though at one time very early on I did use Library Thing widgets to display book covers in the side bar. I will not review your site for the same reason I never reviewed Library Thing or Shelfari. I review books, not websites. The publishers (of books) seem to get the book review web publishing community rather better than you do. They shower us with respect, advanced reading copies and review copies and NEVER ever require that we Post about let alone Recommend any particular title. By contrast you've approached a competing web publisher with an offer or suggestion that I give YOU free publicity. Like I said, I can't figure out if you're simply naive or utterly slimy.

If you would like to discuss advertising rates on http://libdrone.info or the possiblity or a reciprocal linking agreement, please let me know. You might consider having a third section of your site for book reviewers (in addition to readers and authors) since we are a Huge part of the book promotion scene. I hope this reply will be helpful to you in learning how better to approach established book review web publishers.

After two years of hard work and sweat equity I have steady, solid though not at all spectactular search engine traffic. I have 350 well tagged posts that will continue to draw search engine traffic. I have finished and ready to go a brand new template and some dynamite SEO optimized content about some of the Hottest and most popular books being published today in the can and ready to roll after the launch date. My e-mail address book has nearly a dozen publicists, including the Abolutely Fabulous Miriam Parker at Hachette, who could teach every newbie out there like "Karen" how to build a successful online book campaign a life time's worth of lessons.

My site revenue at this time and if I had to pay hosting fees (which due to the generostiy of one of my cherished friends who prefers to remain anonymous, I do not. Even though libdrone IS professionally hosted by an IT professional with specific expertise in the library and WordPress markets who, out of friendship gives me better hosting and tech support for my sites than the professionally funded "Karen" can buy at any price) my revenues would be barely break even. But unlike Karen I am working on a ten year marketing plan. And I actually took a lifetime of work in the book industry to learn how to deal with publishers and publicists and two years of hard sweat equity to learn about being an internet publisher in the book promotion field.

They tell writers that when you read something in a published book or magazine and you KNOW that you could have written it better, that's when you know you're Really a writer. I can now say that when you get a very naive letter from a newbie in your business who clearly doesn't know anything at all about the field she is entering, even though she has professional backing. Is the day you know that you are a Serious web publisher.

I am making progress

with the site re-design and re-launch. I am about 2/3 through reading Michael Connelly's The Scarecrow, which will be published by Little Brown on 5/26/09, the same day that I will re-launch libdrone.info and my new Amazon book store Libdrone Sells Books at libdrone.com. I have been thrilled to have the time away from producing regular blog content to work on the re-design. I am pleased with what I have to go so far, but my goals and methods for the site going forward are becoming clearer and I have been analyzing my traffic and realizing that fully 49% of my visitors are located outside of North America.

I was visiting a friend today. This friend is a good bit younger than I am and is a music DJ and a techie who's been online forever. He was poo-pooh'ing "blogs" for the umpteenth time. somehow he thought blogging was like posting on mesage boards or getting your name on a web site. I took him to Blog Catalog and showed him what _I_ mean by blogs. I showed him that I was the number one non-paid listing for "Books" on BC. I went over and logged into my site and showed him my Firestats in my WP dashboard. and he looked at the 130 uniques per day viewing 550 some odd pageviews and said, hey you got yourself some decent traffic there. I pointed out that all of those visitors (and showed him the hits table, which blew his mind) had come from search engines and the fact that they viewed an average of more than 3.5 pages each indicated they were finding value and digging deeper into the site.

And for the first time since I dropped out of Entrecard when my friend (who never understood why I 'bothered' with 'just doing a blog' --you could be on MySpace, you know?) understood clearly my 10 year business plan of accumulating highly tagged, high quality original content that can appeal to a broad audience and consistently receive search visitors with No marketing expense to bring them in. And soon my Libdrone Sells Books store will be opening and I will once again, as when I first began my career be a direct seller of books. I can't wait to get the site finished and get back into the game and get started on Year 3 of my 10 year plan. Stick around, folks. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Check out my updated punch list if you want to see how the upgrade is coming:

Let publicists know about the break and re-luanch plans-- emailed Julie, Miriam and Tracee on 4/23 (done)


Let advertisers know about break and re-launch plans. msg'd all 8 advertisers on CMF. will take PW widget down during hiatus.

TRL on hiatus 4/29--5/26 4/29--migration post goes up. post is closed to comments. done

1) JD creates mirror--done

On mirror site:

2) change theme to http://wordpress.org/extend/themes/whiteplus

substitue existing header graphic for theme included graphic in new theme. re-size rather than crop the header image. make sure the barcode scanner's line shows--done

ask JD about changing font color in blog header-- working on editing header image. having trouble finding right font color for header


3) Consolidate all of the About pages under one About Page that has links to About Me And About This Blog, About The Links, About The Bookstore, About Books and Libraries, About My Audience, About Libdrone.com, Instructions for all in one About page below. working, largely done


Add widgets and privacy policy page-- this page may go under About or under something else but definitely buried.

Add review copies and submission page-- this can under Something, maybe taking place of suggestions and guest reviews page


4) Change dotCom page title to Blogroll. libdrone.com will become the book store page on it's own blog done

5) Review and Revise Suggestions and Guest Reviews page

6) Add bookstore page using Amazon's a store in Beta, working

7) Experiment and work with widgets and widget placements to get a very well designed an professional looking layout

Add a Welcome page that explains all of the changes


8) check and test EVERYTHING three times

9) Write and schedule May 26th, 27th, 28th and 29th posts about Michael Connelly's The Scarecrow--reading, Barry Eisler's Fault Lines rcvd, Steve Luxemborg's Annies Ghost rcvd, Joel Goldman's The Dead Man rcvd

consider) ??Renew paid Library Thing membership Re integrate Libary Thing Links to all posts less than one year old. Consider using Library Thing widgets to place long strings of book covers on bookstore page. to do that. Include a link to library thing profile in sidebar


May 24th-- JD points the URL to the new site a full day plus before the Resuming post goes live (gives time to work out any kinks and can put up a 'how do you like the new look' post as soon as the new site is up and running properly)


next upgrade (whenever) add non-blog page for V-Bulletin. meanwhile Comment On Book Blogs!




Hello,

From April 29th to May 26th my blog The Thin Red Line will be going on hiatus. The site will be up (and will continue to get traffic from search visitors, which is my main source of traffic) but I will not be posting any updates during this time. When I relaunch on May 26th, I will have a brand new look and theme and a number of new pages and site features. I am writing to you because you have an advertisement on my site that will be running during this planned hiatus. As I said, the site will be up and will no doubt continue to receive search visitors, so your ad will receive some impressions. If however, you feel that you want to pull the ad during the hiatus, just reply and let me know and I will request that your ad be canceled and your credits refunded. Alternatively, I would be happy to place an ad on your site when I re-launch next month. I wanted to let you know about this a few days in advance, just to keep you in the loop. Thank you for advertising on The Thin Red Line, which will be back for it's third great year starting 5/26.

Alan

plans continue

for the hiatus and site upgrade. My punch list is evolving:


Let publicists know about the break and re-luanch plans-- emailed Julie, Miriam and Tracee on 4/23 (done)


Let advertisers know about break and re-launch plans. msg'd all 8 advertisers on CMF. will take PW widget down during hiatus.

TRL on hiatus 4/29--5/26 4/29--migration post goes up. post is closed to comments.

1) JD creates mirror

On mirror site:

2) change theme to http://wordpress.org/extend/themes/whiteplus

substitue existing header graphic for theme included graphic in new theme. re-size rather than crop the header image. make sure the barcode scanner's line shows


3) Consolidate all of the About pages under one About Page that has links to About Me And About This Blog, About The Links, About The Bookstore, About Books and Libraries, About My Audience, About Libdrone.com,


Add widgets and privacy policy page-- this page may go under About or under something else but definitely buried.

Add review copies and submission page-- this can under Something


4) Change dotCom page title to Blogroll. continue to promote the libdrone.com addy but get rid of the too cutesy dotCOM page name

5) Review and Revise Suggestions and Guest Reviews page

6) Add bookstore page using Amazon's a store AND Powell's bookshelf pages. "Freedom of Choice"

Ask JD about putting up a second WP blog to use for the sales and blogroll pages. gives me a second sidebar to sell ads in. And now that I am signed up for Amazon I CAN do the LibraryThing THING as below, on the store site

7) Experiment and work with widgets and widget placements to get a very well designed an professional looking layout

Add a Welcome page that explains all of the changes


8) check and test EVERYTHING three times

9) Write and schedule May 26th, 27th, 28th and 29th posts about Michael Connelly's The Scarecrow, Barry Eisler's Fault Lines, Steve Luxemborg's Annies Ghost, Joel Goldman's The Dead Man


consider) ??Renew paid Library Thing membership Re integrate Libary Thing Links to all posts less than one year old. Consider using Library Thing widgets to place long strings of book covers on some pages. (but would have to sign up for Amazon to get paid and don't really want to do that. Include a link to library thing profile in sidebar leaning maybe to Yes on this

May 24th-- JD points the URL to the new site a full day plus before the Resuming post goes live

(gives time to work out any kinks and can put up a 'how do you like the new look' post as soon as the new site is up and running properly)


sent to advertisers:




Hello,

From April 29th to May 26th my blog The Thin Red Line will be going on hiatus. The site

will be up (and will continue to get traffic from search visitors, which is my main source of

traffic) but I will not be posting any updates during this time. When I relaunch on May

26th, I will have a brand new look and theme and a number of new pages and site features. I

am writing to you because you have an advertisement on my site that will be running during this

planned hiatus. As I said, the site will be up and will no doubt continue to receive search

visitors, so your ad will receive some impressions. If however, you feel that you want to

pull the ad during the hiatus, just reply and let me know and I will request that your ad be

canceled and your credits refunded. Alternatively, I would be happy to place an ad on your

site when I re-launch next month. I wanted to let you know about this a few days in advance,

just to keep you in the loop. Thank you for advertising on The Thin Red Line, which will

be back for it's third great year starting 5/26.

Alan