que calor!

It is hot as an oven in my part of the world this week, though today was not quite as bad as yesterday. an e-mail from my talk therapist john advices that he faxed human resources at pcls and told them in No Uncertain Terms that he and Dr. Park agree that they can not possibly feel they can complete the forms pcls submitted until after he and Dr. Park have had the chance to go over them with me at our appointment on Tues 8/4 and assuring me that they would be more than happy to provide me with a medical absence clearance through that date.

a little birdie I am not supposed to know told me that my shrink was 'furious' and told them when they pressed her that it would be 'unprofessional' for her to attempt to answer the questions they were asking her. according to the birdie that hr woman i met with the other day got royally bitch slapped. the birdie suggested i wait until tomorrow to email hr mentioning the email I received and asking if my 'administrative leave' will be continued until they get the medical reports. (I have jumped through every hoop they put out and it is my shrink and Her Great Big Organization telling my human resosurces lady to sit, down, shut up and wait her turn, thankyewverymuch). To say that I enjoyed hearing from that little birdie would be an understatement.

I still believe that with my shrink and my therapist Thoroughly on my side (they tell me we will fill out pcls's forms together at our appointment) that there is every chance that pcsl will give me Exactly what those forms say. ron and i are aware i will have to be on my best behavior if they do, but with john and the shrink apparently going to at the very least get full input from me before completing the forms I feel like the Most likely outcome is that they will transfer me to a Small branch and lower the productivity standards, perhaps after consulting with my orthopod whom i will not be seeing for the first time until the 12th of august I believe and after the earfull they got this morning I doubt they will press me OR group health about the 'timing' of this.

meanwhile with the stress of having to go to work and deal with "Roberta" every day removed from me for the indefinite future, I have been able to sleep a great deal and am overall much calmer than I had been (that last observation from nurse huzbear RN's notes btw)

currently the only thing i am at all stressed about is an email from my mother. and the irony of course is that the e-mail was sent with love (but not in my considered opinion) great understanding. and the request was simple. at the beginning of all of this, before we read my mother's opinion of the matter "from the perspective of a human resources professional" which among many other things my mother has been in this lifetime, that told me (at least as Ron read it and took it) as my mother that what I need to do is put my chin up, dust myself off, and get out there and do those hire standards in that stress house enviornment she has created cuz otherwise they Will find a way to fire you. Did I mention that my illness has been really hard on Ron. I will talk a lot more about that later but since today's installment is primarily directed to my mother (who as far as I know is reading along every day; I wouldn't be half surprised if she's figured out how easy it is to get these post by e-mail as soon as they are published and she may even be reading in real time for all I know)

Mom,

I don't think you ever really understood or appreciated that my late husband Joel was the strongest advocate on your behalf that I have ever had in my life. I don't believe that you realize the degree to which it is because Joel nagged me that we made the effort to do Heather's every year. or that Joel rather than Alan who whipped out his credit card and made plane reservations when you wanted me to come see you while I was still working at Sprynet/CompuServe/Mindspring/Earthlink. And I do feel that in a very real way you repaid that kindness he showed me many, many times over for being there for me both emotionally and financially the summer he died and I was on unemployment and struggling (despite my high level of overal education) to get a stinking lousy one year accounting certificate so i could work as a book keeper. (a job i know i could Do if only I had a degree......wait a minute....making a mental note. this is the internet. who checks degree. and I don't need to claim that I have one. but if tell the small business owner that I can set him up and get him started in Peachtree or Quickbooks (which he must buy himself) and then I do it, will he care about anything other than that the price was right/????...))

And you did make a reasonably good impression on ron, my second husband. He was willing to go down to the Heathers. But the fact is your beloved neice was Unforgivably rude to a guest in Her Own Home, my very beloved husband. She never ever acknowledged or made any effort to apologize for behavior which according to the set of good manner YOU!!!! raised me with gives Ron every right to 'cut her dead'. As in not acknowlege her invitations or overtures and flatly refuse under any circumstances to appear and impose himself upon her premises again. Ron was never the advocate for you that Joel was, Mom (and if to any degree at all it appeared that I more considerate of you in those days that was his doing as much as mine, mam). Ron will probably get over being pissed with you for what you said in that letter. (It didn't piss me off. It didn't surprise me either. quick question, how much do you know about the ADA revisions congress passed in 2008 and how that has greatly increased the rights of disabled people dealing with large bureaucratic organizations? I're been reading the exact full text law and searching in vain for relevant court opinions. the regs are brand new so there are no new precedents to refer to and it is unclear how courts will address the changes but hr professionals routinely acknowledge that "under the new ADA it is different?)

If you learned nothing new in that paragraph, mom, please accept my sincerest (and I mean this) apologies for talking down to you just not. if any of that last rant was new, i think you need to go back and look at your e-mails to me, particularly your e-mails AFTER the google doc with your HR impressions and try to figure out what made him so mad at you. I am staying out of it. his email is mackaybear AT inbox DOT com and you can make up with him or not as your see fit. In any case, Ron will not be able to provide you with his on the ground RN's eye view. So it up to me to convince you that you have raised a son who is both 1) crazy 2) extremely smart and 3) only marginally employable due to the effects of 1 despite 2). I can only say this, mom. When things started going wrong for me at Sprynet cuz my crazies were out and instead of that brilliant genius who come up with all those amazing e-mails docs and spreadsheets from the privacy of his office or cube i was turning into the guy who can't get a hold of his emotions in order to be a good supervisor. it hurt, but it Was the truth.

how many times after the realization, which i admit came way back when I was working for SPRYNET the company CompuServe created when the bought Spry software. I was hired almost immediately after that merger. I hung on and kept my head up and kept going to work Every god damned day for three more years through two more mergers meeting and making the best impressions I could on two new management teams advised of my crazy genius status by my manager friends who, like me, managed to hang on through all of the mergers and acquisitions. By the time I Finally came to the attention of a professional who saw that I was dead weight since they were no longer make good use of a mad genius (which had Been exactly what the start up ordered and if they hadn't merged I would have remained in mgmt IF not for my mental illness). When they finally let me go it was through a post merger job buy out plan and they paid me about 30,o00 specificallty to leave and never come back, not sue them, and not bad mouth them. Hardest thrity grand I ever earned in my life but it is just part of a lot more money than that that I would have walked away from if I quit in a huff.

mom, I am a UNION employee who read the contract hundreds of times and read the new ADA cover to cover dozens of times when my mind was in better days since i knew these documetns more than anything else would determine my fate if i lost control of my crazies at work. please believe that despite my mental illness I am way more than competent to look to and act in my own best interestes with regards to my employment.

Last question, mom. (stressing that I am not angry with you, I love you to death and will not disappear on you regardless of how you answer) Do you think you owe me any apology for underestimating me in your advice to 'chin up and bear it' speech?