Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Riding The Rollercoaster

Image: anat_tikker /
Some days,  I just really hate riding the roller coaster of bi-polar disorder.   Usually,  I sort of enjoy the manias.   When I'm manic I have tons of energy and enthusiasm.   I'm likely to begin new projects, chatter merrily both to the people around me face to face and to distant friends online.   I'm quite lucky in that I don't have problems with doing very destructive things when I am manic;  often times people in manias are known to spend money they don't have, embark on business ventures they can ill afford and do other things which will have consequences they will have to pay and pay for, long after the mania has passed.

And inevitably,  manias do pass.   Usually I am well into a day that seems to be going very badly when I realize that the problem is that I have become depressed.   It is always such a shock, somehow,  even though of course it is a long familiar experience.   When I get depressed I seem to take every little set back as a huge major big deal and become inordinately frustrated at the very least provocation.   And what is most frustrating about it, is that understanding that the problem is my bi-polar disorder very rarely has any impact on my feelings of  anger and frustration.   At these times I feel like a small child whose teacher repeatedly tells him  "I know you could do this if you would Just Try!" even though the child knows that he Is trying his best and simply can not do what is asked.

As is often the case on days that depression begins to set in I did not accomplish very much today.  Although I did finally publish a book review which I had been working on for weeks  (albeit a day late).   I also participated in the #definethis  word game that I frequently enjoy;  today's word-- disseise  was wonderfully odd ball.   When the squiggly red line spell checker has never heard of it,   it's a great word for me.    Here's hoping that your Wednesday has gone a bit better than mine did,  and that Thursday will be a better day for us all.

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